The Edge Followed Me

I've been struggling to fight of bouts of sobbing all day. I called my mother this afternoon to get an update on my grandfather who has had yet another stroke. He's doing ok as of now, but its a "wait and see" kind of thing. My mother was supposed to call me last night, but failed to do so then and this morning. I called once and left a message with a brother who forgot to pass it on. So, I called again. After the update, my mother immediately bridged into Brother #3's middle school graduation tomorrow night. I am driving to my parents' house after I am done at the library and then to get my bridesmaid dress refitted. Some argument ensued because I could have sworn that someone would meet me at the dress shop with my shoes and the receipt. Apparently not. So, I called the library and had a friend fill in for my last hour. After the dress is taken care of, I am to change clothes and head on to the ceremony. I leave the next morning in order to arrive at the library in time for my 9am shift followed by my 4pm shift at Job #2.

Alas, this was not the end of the "discussion." Ironically, my parents would prefer that I take a day off instead of cramming my schedule. This is ironic because the next segment of parental wisdom advises me to work about 50 hours a week. Making things even more felicitous, there is a job available for me nearby my parents that will work me about those hours for $8 an hour. Did I mention that I have two jobs, piano students and a soon to be art income that I must simply drop in order to do this? Granted, I would be making more money than I do now, but I'd have to live with my parents - snowballs chance in hell. I would like to maintain my health and sanity this summer, thank you very much. But the money problem still remains.

So far, the jobs and piano students don't cover all my basic expenses - food, rent, utilities, etc. It comes close, but I will not be able to save anything for next year. So, here's where the art comes in. There's a few stores downtown that will sell not only my original artwork, but any other crafts I drop off as well. I understand this can be sketchy, but its worth a shot especially since I've just taken up making my own greeting cards. Nice, multilayered ones that most stores don't carry. This store doesn't and they'll also take my posters, etc from my online store. Might as well try.

As for trying, I've added Olive Garden to my list of applications. I have an interview, but its not until the 20th. My mother has a legitimate concern that no jobs will be available then. They did want to have me come tomorrow, but that's impossible as I'll be en route to another state. I will try to call them frequently to see if I can move my appointment up. I'm going to start spreading word that I'm willing to babysit too - a few of my professors have little ones and they know me well enough to trust me. I would have to figure out what to charge since I haven't done this sort of thing for money (family pays nothing) in years. Maybe I could Google that.....

This brings me to where the dirty fighting began today. I am driving myself crazy trying to support myself and my mother calls me an idiot. Flat out this time, not implied. I should pack up, come home, start my handpicked job and be grateful for such thoughtful parents. My mother went as far to say that they should have made me come home this summer. I make inept decisions and I will suffer for it next year - basically, I'm an idiot again. This went on for a while sticking to that same theme and was reviewed again after closing at Job #2. I should have ignored that call.

The worst part about this is that my brother's graduation is tomorrow. I can already sense how this is going to play out. Everyone will behave themselves until the festivities are done and then, I'll get corned in the kitchen or the den to "discuss" my job situation further. My father is already upset about my grandfather, so he'll fly off pretty quickly. Mom will follow shortly, since Dad put her in charge of dealing with me this summer. I'll be exhausted and jittery from all this today. Whether or not I can prevent a panic attack this time is what may be my downfall. Either way, I won't be able to "win" the argument.

I'm already frightened and for someone like me that's hard to acknowledge. This should be my brother's important day and it could be ruined basically by my presence. Yet, I have to go - I can't just skip his graduation. I would love to just drive back after the event, but its highly unlikely that this idea will be tolerated. I'm trapped.

On top of all this, I've become aware of a concept that I've refused to take seriously for a while. My parents don't like me. They haven't for a while now. They love me, but that's automatic. If I was their age and a friend of theirs, they probably wouldn't associate with me except when they needed help with something. I would probably be in that group that they talk about now.

Its getting harder and harder for me to brush off what they say to me. I've been chanting "I'm not an idiot" and "I deserve better than this" all day. It only makes the tears flow faster. What if they do try to force me back into their house? How to I refuse without telling them how I really feel? Its not like they'd sit back and listen, anyway. Hard work should pay off, but I just feel like I'm chasing my tail.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would be most appreciative. Words of encouragement are also welcomed. I need to sleep because its nearly 1am and work starts at 8am.