Sunday, May 07, 2006

Not Drowning

You know thing are bad when your Google AdSense starts to display anti-suicide ads.

I haven't found a second job yet. This is particularly distressing because my parents have threatened to whisk me directly home in a week if I have no new employment. I think that's the absolutely last place I want to be right now. Well, maybe Iraq would be worse....

Its not like I haven't been trying to get another job. I've applied all sorts of other places, but with very little luck. (Please see Autonomy Wars IV for more information.) I went over to Hallmark to pick up a Mother's Day card and used that opportunity to gently suggest once again that I am very interested in their money. I was told that the manager who was in charge of hiring had been in very little and that if I did not receive a phone call in a week, that I should come in again. Waiting a week puts me exactly at my parents' deadline.

On top of this, I don't have enough students to balance this out yet. Tutoring will pick up when the semester starts, but piano is a bit sketchy in the summer. Summer 1 begins on May 16th, so its really close, but not close enough. I do have a new little student. He's 4 years old and had his first lesson today. He has no previous musical experience, but some of the things he did were better than some of the 8 year-olds I've taught. Ten minutes into his class, I had to improvise the lesson plan to accommodate him.

My main goal tonight is to somehow get a copy of my tax papers from my parents without tipping them off. Don't worry, they don't even know about this blog - I'm not that stupid. I think that I'll tell them I need it for the in-state residency people. Come to think of it, I probably do. I should be able to handle that, but I'm terrified about tomorrow.

I've never had to deal with the Financial Aid office. I don't know how to work these people. I have to manage to convince them that I should be allowed to file independently from my parents and get a loan to cover tuition. Keep in mind that I'm paying out-of-state until the residency people approve me. I love how I can work, live, register my car and pay taxes to this damn state, but not automatically qualify for resident tuition. Do tears effect these people? Or would it just harden them further against me?

After all that is handled, I get to go job hunting again. I know of a few places that I haven't forced my presence upon yet, although they fall into my parents' "Do Not Apply" category. I just need another fucking job. My stress has reached meltdown proportions and something has got to give here. Hopefully, it won't be my sanity. Well, what's left of it. Its gotten so bad that I left church early today because I couldn't keep my composure. I was doing ok until the Prayers of the Faithful announced the death of a former coworker of mine. Not that I knew him well or anything; its just startling. I lasted until the Communion hymn which happened to be one of my favorite songs and one which we sang at my grandmother's funeral. That did it. I said my post-Eucharistic prayers and skeedaddled with tears streaming. That song speaks to me on so many levels and it just overloaded my already taxed system. Here are some lyrics to give you an idea:

You Are Mine
I will come to you in the silence,
I will lift you from all your fear.
You will hear my voice,
I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.

I am hope for all who are hopeless,
I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light,
Come and rest in me.

Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see,
The lame will run free,
And all will know my name.


I am the Word that leads all to freedom,
I am the peace the world cannot give.
I will call your name,
Embracing all your pain,
Stand up, now walk, and live!


It has been suggested to me that I go receive counseling for all this mess. I went for maybe 2 sessions the last time something like this happened, but I panicked and stopped going. I know I need to do at least some little things to help myself here besides the aforementioned. My friend, Rai, had a chart to help her determine where she was on her anxiety scale - I'm in her red zone. That's part of the reason I'm spending so much time blogging these past few days. Blogging, drinking water, exercising and a clean apartment all mark the "green zone," so I have to try and do those things. At the moment, my apartment is clean but messy and I already tried to drown myself this week when I forgot to exhale through my nose during a flipturn. Luckily, the lifeguard got a kick out of it.

I'm trying to make sure I stay social too. Its hard with all the demands of work and financial aid visits, but I have time. My natural tendency is to pull inward and let no one see what's happening. I don't want to burden anyone, but a few friends know the situation and have listened to my rant and ramble. I seriously need to get them medals or really good Christmas presents or something. I also must go and practice - I haven't in at least a week. I mean, I tried, but crying kinda interferes with singing. Especially when you cry every time you try to sing.

Geez. I've been typing for about an hour. Off I go to wash clothes and drink some tea.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hang in there!